Identity forms

I think of painting as a way to form and create my identity. Through the creative inspiration that flows through me - it doesn’t only leave its marks into the made piece, but it also builds my identity one work at a time. 

In this way the identity is formed inside out. And I feel really comfortable in this perception. 

But I can’t not wonder the formative effect of the people around us, in our lives. We are social beings (as it is said). I wonder though, can the social aspect come from within for some individuals? Can the dynamic between the person who creates and creativity itself be a healthy foundation for an identity? 

Or do we need to learn to exist in groups and communities with people to develop our identity in this relational way? I am simplifying of course. Perhaps the most grounded path is in the crossroads of both of these worlds. But I find it very interesting to reflect on the perspective of forming and creating identity through creativity.

I’ve always felt like groups suffocate me or force my sense of self to blur more or less, so I have come to accept that perhaps my personal growth happens more in the seclusion of my own inner world. But maybe this way there is a shield that prevents the opportunities to grow with others? Perhaps other people actually help me grow more than I’ve realised. I am not someone who doesn't like people, quite the opposite actually. But there is a feeling that I am really allergic to that often arises in groups, the quiet and accepted way that the group behaves, often in a restrictive way. How could I explain this more? It is a sense of limit that the group container creates in my being. 

But here I am open to learning. Maybe it doesn’t come from the group but from my perception of the group? This is what I want to explore. To not let my existing perceptions color the experience of belonging to a group. 

What I am wondering is that do all people have the same need for a community or a group to experience growing as a part of a social context? Or is it in varying degrees?

I do feel a desire to be a part of a community. But not to the extent of being formed by it. Is this thinking flawed or am I onto something? Am I trying to protect a sense of individuality that would be better moulded by a sense of togetherness? But what if I can generally feel a togetherness within - without an actual group of people around me? Are artist-minded people like this?

The other day, I saw a video of three families spending time together in a Youtube-vlog and it was so heart-warming. Yet the thoughts that arose within me were; I wonder if any of them feel suffocated by the people around them… Or do they all feel like they can be themselves, with each other?

Sometimes it feels like a mission impossible to even imagine the feeling of belonging to a group and feeling good in it. And of course it turns against me sometimes. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way? Or is this the wound in my heart that desperately craves for people around me who just… get it? And maybe here is the problem, do I even get my self?

But then… I realise, maybe the group isn't there to replace an identity. But more to act as a mirror, sometimes in constructive ways and sometimes in destructive ways. Maybe the group isn't supposed to be a safe haven, but a container, where growth is activated. Maybe I have seen the concept of a community through idealistic lenses instead of seeing it through what it actually is. A place to grow individually and together. Maybe I don’t need to blur the boundaries of my identity to fit in, but there exists a place for me in my identity explorations, as a space holder and a responsibility, without needing to box myself into the group.  

I got to admit, I still see group as a limit. I am asking my self, why couldn’t a group be there to support the vastness, to respond to the needs to be understood and seen? I hope that is the direction I am growing into, seeing the social aspect of being a human as a positively forming force instead of diminishing. 

Until I find my tribe, like they say, I am willing to explore this craving in my painting practice and heal my wounds through the container of creating. May this lead me to the people I can let my identity form and grow together. Utopia? Or the future for everyone? I hope it is the new way of being and relating for us all. To let our guards down and become witnessed by gentle hearts. As support, not as dogma or social norms. Let us grow into the fullness of our beings in uplifting groups and communities, not in ones that regress us. 

I guess I am starting to see the positive power of a group as a possibility. For now, maybe this is all I need. To dip my toes in the possibility of belonging and feeling supported. I will gladly hold this seed of hope in my heart while I become braver to open up my identity in a group in the real world.

💓Maija