The spell of fear

For the last decade, I’ve been under the spell of fear. Traveling through life in a train that has moved me between “I’m ready” and “I’m not ready.” Ready for what? For something, for breaking free from this dynamic within, I suppose.

I’ve been sitting in the train wagon, watching the same views pass me by, both externally and internally. Forward, backward… tiredly wondering, is there ever a station for me to hop off?

Battling between fear and courage within my inner world has taken me on a ride to my depths. And at some point, I started to question this draining pattern: will I ever be ready to experience life again? Am I hiding? Or am I ready to let life live me, instead of me wandering in the shadows of my inner travels.

Could this train ride finally be approaching its destination instead of continuing the swinging movement between fear and courage until eternity? A destination offering me closure, an opportunity to grow and move on, while the vigorous shifting between two perspectives keeping me stuck. There is no resolution—just deeper marks in the railways.

Fear has had a much bigger grip on me than I thought. The dynamic between wanting to jump into the unknown and staying safe has still been led by fear. The sparkles of inspiration were whispers from love, but hidden underneath fear, underneath the constant battle between saying yes and backing down to say no I can’t—even if I wanted to.

Everything in this life seems to be about fear—about protecting and defending. But what are we defending?

The right to remain in fear?

In different ways, perhaps so.

Even when we feel good, we might be under the spell of fear. Our comfort is the safe space for fear—not necessarily for us. In the comforts of our lives, fear tells us stories about how it is best to focus on strengthening the fortresses of our lives rather than to jump onto a train of courage that takes us on an adventure we have no idea we need.

Fear is so tricky because it feels so real. It approaches us in the ways we are wounded. Its job is to make sure we don’t see it, yet are kept in the palm of its control. Fear makes us believe that we are living our best lives while actually keeping us away from that.

It’s a trap. A spell.

And I think the only way to break free from that is to become so pained by the suffocating heaviness of it all that we simply cannot continue living in fear anymore. We are forced to face the fear—the unknown—by seeing through it. Because the pain of living in fear has become so unbearable within us that we are ready to risk the illusion of comfort and control.

We are ready to see beyond fear. We are finally ready to spill our tears. We are ready to see what can grow out of our pain instead of continuing to control and defend it.

When we meet different people in our lives, who are the ones we remember? Who keeps living in our hearts? It’s the ones who remind us of our own power by embodying courage. Fear has often pushed them to break free from the predictable tracks and create their own pathways.

They want to see the grass growing wild; they want to see themselves growing wild. They want to see everyone else growing wild too. But it is not their job.

It is everyone’s own journey, and they know and respect that. After all, they were once sitting in that train wagon of fear too. And they know how hard it is to jump out. They wouldn’t dare to force that onto someone else. They know that facing the spell of fear happens in the sacred space of each and everyone’s own heart.

And until that happens, they keep on traveling and waving to us from their wagons, sending us sparkles of courage. And when we are ready, we will use those sparkles to ignite a fire within us and use it to break free from fear.

We are joined together by experiencing pain. When we can see this, we can share it. Until then, we live under the spell of fear. We must not forget, though: spells are formulas intended to trigger a magical effect. Perhaps the biggest spell is not fear, but the power of courage, love, and vulnerability to share our pain.

Maybe that is the only way to truly break free from fear: by softening our hearts, by letting our pain roam freely, by letting pain unite us.

Perhaps zigzagging between fear and courage is meant to prepare us to jump. It is there to trigger us into the next phase of our lives. And when the time is ripe, we will take the leap.

The wagon that catches us will not have perfect plans for us, or anything familiar to keep us safe, but it will have life streaming through it. And that stream will take us through the inevitable uncertainty, doubt, and fear.

The only way to keep on traveling with the stream is to use the sparkles of courage within ourselves—to find ways to face and accept fear. And eventually, to see fear as the building block for the ultimate spell there is: love.

💓Maija